RHOA: The One We've Been Waiting For

So, I've been pretty spotty regarding housewife recaps because really-- who even cares? All of the good drama has been happening in real time, behind the scenes. Also, I get 45-50 views per Housewives recap on average. I get about 3-400 views per Teen Mom recap. SO.... housewives kind of aren't worth my time. I'll never be Tamara Tattles. (If you don't know who she is, find out. Immediately. ) She's got the market cornered on all things RHOA.

I am making an exception for tonight, specifically, because THIS is the episode we have all been waiting for: Kandi is going to get CRAZY on someone. We are all dying to know WHO and WHY?
I can already tell that I will be yelling, "I  W I L L   D R A G   Y O U   I N   T H I S   B I T C H !!!!!!" at any possible opportunity for the next two weeks. The men are fighting, the women are fighting, NAYNAY makes an appearance, Kenya seems like she's backpedaling for unknown reasons, Christopher whatshisnmae looks like he got knocked the fuck out. OMG can we just get there already? If Bravo pulls a stunt and says, "next time..." I'll break my computer ...and my TV... and my vocal chords yelling. They really better not pull that stunt because I gave up the GRAMMYS for this!

Ok, GREAT we're starting off with the unclean buttermilk faux-royal mansion that is 1900 Penn gone SouthBeach. My Dwight is throwing Mr. President a huge party while wearing a VERY interesting outfit. Mr. President needs classic red, white, and blue champagne and a flashmob singing "America The Beautiful". I wonder if Phaedra had already kicked Apollo out of the house at this point?

Here comes Cynthia. She's going to have a conversation with the guy who wants a man cave across town in the warehouse he bought with her money their shared workspace. The reason for this conversation is so that Cynthia can throw Kandi under the bus, "She said you have a past". Peter immediately wants to know if anyone said he's a cheater. Cynthia is like... no? I just told you she mentioned your PAST. Peter says,"Oh, well, let's fight her!" Foreshadowing.

Kenya is in her rental with her aunt pretending to search for sperm. She checks "yes" where the form asks if she has a history of mental illness. Well, there's atleast ONE grain of reality in this scene. I'm going to pass the rest of this faux-story. Kenya is 78 years old. Girl, go on. You better adopt a 10 year old child. Oh my God, she just told the doctor that she wants her aunt to turkey baste her with donor sperm. GTFO. Go back to Cleveland, Detroit, LA, or wherever the fudge you came from. Bye. I'm done with you. I can not be affiliated with the nonsense.

Kandi is working with her team to make this play happen. Spoiler Alert: It happens. It was awesome. Porsha IS in it. It was a big success. Now, we're going to gossip.

Kandi: That girl Natalie called you an opportunist.
Todd: Oh, here we go.
Kandi: She said you date up.
Todd: Who else have I dated "up"?
Kandi: I don't know. I told her to go on.
Todd: Do yall ever not have drama?
Kandi: The Drama Cometh.

They BASICALLY have a normal, rational conversation and gave zero shits about anyone else. Mhmm. There you go. They really seem to compliment each other well. #HiMommaJoyce

Kenya and Lawrence are embarrassing old ladies and lying about African royalty during their search for sperm. Very fake. Very Lame. Don't care. Bye. Why can't I fast forward through tv as it's playing? Lame. TV is lame. I'd rather watch commercials.

Ok, its time for Phaedra's pretentious party that none of these women would put up with if they werent contractually obligated. Wow! Look at what identity left can buy you: a rented mansion, rented servants, a rented car, a rented soldier outfit, a rented baby tux, and two people who are about to divorce. FABULOUS! I really like Phaedra, but I am still angry that I have been lied to all season. I KNOW YOU KICKED APOLLO OUT! I KNOW HES CHEATING! I KNOW HES A BIG FAT JAILBIRD! Stop playing with me. Apollo, "No I am not going to dance" *forced smiled* I see the cracks. So much bickering. Hmm. I wonder what Phaedra's momma, Paster Bell, thinks? Mommas always know when somethings wrong. Apollos "loss for words" were his screams for freedom. He hates these pretentious parties. I think she's doing it to punish him. Cheater!

YAY! It's time for the party. Nene and Cynthia set the scene: everyone is coming. It's going to get messy. Get ready. Porsha brought her sister/assistant to Nene's couples lingerie party. Kandi and Todd arrive. Everyone we know is there --even BIG HOMIE YUCK and his wife Sheree 2.0.
Nene does a weird speech, Kandi thinks she's on drugs, and she wants to ask very "pacific" questions. OOP! Kenya is "on my pet peeves"-- she is late. She is very late! Let's play the newly wed game.
Porsha thinks Jamaicans are aggressive. Nene intentionally stacked the deck with the red card: Are you comfortable being around someone who has slept with your mate? *side eye straight to Monique* Big Home Yuck done slept with 'em alllllllll, you know, 40 years ago when people cared about him.

Commericals. I need a Xanax. I can't stand the anticipation. Side note: Diddy's Ciroc commerical makes me want to be him so badly.

We're back! Kenya is still VERY late. Peter and Nene ask Porsha about bisexual lovers. Porsha says she is uncomfortable with a bisexaul or heterosexual. She needs a Porshasexual. KENYA IN DA HOUSE! Nene is mad. She is literally rubbing her hands together and walking like a caged animal. I literally see NayNya appearing before my very eyes:

Nene: *Opens door* Hello. *Closes door*
Kenya: *barges in* HEY EVERYBODY!
Nene: Have a seat honey have a seat. You are extremely late and I want to know why
Kenya: I had to pick ??? up at the airport
Nene: Thats no excuse
Kenya: Hi, Nene.
Nene: Hey bitch.
Kenya: You look fabulous
Nene: You don't.
Kenya: I look fabulous as I always do.
Nene: You wanted to look fabulous and really dont.
Kenya: ???
Nene: duh duh-- you can ALSO leave! I am very irritated right now. Did you TEXT me?
Kenya: I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
Nene: Ok lets have respect on both muthafuggn sides. If you dont like the rules, you can leave. BIG TITTIES. 

I could rewatch this 10,000 times.
Next question in the newly wed game of horrors:
Would you judge your significant other if you caught them checking out someone else?
Porsha: I would. I would. I don't like him in the strip club.
Nene: You had a fucked up childhood.
Natalie Who?: I agree!
Peter: Shut up. You're whack as fuck! We all go. Every man goes. A real woman goes with her man. Let's keep it 100.

Oh, I see where it's going. Peter is trying to engage Kandi in exposing what she "knows" -- Peter is a regular at the club. There was a girl in his lap and Kandi saw.
Nene owns her former life as a stripper. I love her for it.
Apollo confesses to his strip club loving ways. Unfortunately, he mentions that everytime he goes he spends $5-8,000 and everyone is hyped. CHILL guys! It's not Phaedras money. It's FRAUDLENT money. Calm down.
KENYA CALLS IT OUT! Where is Apollo getting all this money?
That singer with the messy wife says he refrains from the club.
His messy ass wife sticks her finger out and says "We wrote a record together! I dance for him!"
Nene speeds things along. She throws Kenya under the bus for talking about The Singer and his messy ass common law wife. He is very uncomfortable. He asks Kenya what kind of medicine she is on.

HERE GO HELL COME--- OH MY GAWD!!! 
I HAD TO REWIND TWICE TO CATCH IT ALL!!!

Phaedra is calm cool and collected while her husband lashes out.

So the Christopher singer guy is confronting Kenya. Kenya starts to speak and the messy ass common law wife is waving her finger and yelling about pedals. Kenya begins to walk towards messy commonlaw aggressively. Singer grabs Kenyas arm to keep her from approaching his commonlaw wife. Kenyas rentafriend gives her the moneys worth by getting involved-- in red satin pajamas! Theres a lot of "don't touch me! Don't touch her!" Then, for unknown reasons-- Peter decides
he should separate rentafriend and the singer. As they are each taking a corner, out of nowhere, Apollo JUMPS up and begins choking, body slaming, and pummeling rentafriend!!!! Greg is watching from a corner shaking his head. Peter is now helping Apollo beat rentafriend ---who is currently on a beanbag chair, still in red silk PJs. Meanwhile, across the room, Todd and Greg, The Calms, are escorting the singer from the room. Apollo is a wild animal. Interestingly, Kenya is pulling Apollos arm, Phaedra is now seated AND holding her wine glass, judging. There are now many members of production involved. Apollo is now in the kitchen and rentafriend is trying to follow, with Peter acting as a blocker. Messy commonlaw is still swaking in the background, waving her pointer finger! LYING PAGEANT GIRL! Porsha, Big Homie Yuck, and Sheree 2.0 are ??????

NAYNAY and Kenya get into it because Nene believes Kenya getting out of her seat began the fight. (Actually, Kenya's MOUTH started this fight, last week.) Kenya believes Nene started it by bringing up the topic. She then calls the singer a punk and bitch for putting his hand on a woman.

Phaedra just SCHOOLED Apollo-- in front of everyone. "You are a grown ass man. You better act like you have some kind of sense. You have two little boys at home. It's time to leave. Let's go." Truer words. Meanwhile, Apollo is removing his wired mic and not speaking. He has also removed his shirt. (Why do men always take off their shirts to fight? I will keep my clothing on. Thanks.) Apollo begins to walk toward rentafriend like Michael Meyers in Halloween-- go ahead and run. He is not worried. He will catch you. Phaedra calls after him, to no avail. Apparently, it is back on!

Next week--
Todd and Peter get into it over Kandi saying that Peter has a past. This is when Kandi will get crunk.
Apollo tells Phaedra he had a good time. Rentafriend tells Kenya he has a cracked rib and will be pressing felony charges. Cynthia and Kandi reexamine their friendship now that the dust has settled.
We all refill our Xanax.