Teen Mom is BAAAACK!

Jenelle kicks off the show, and you immediately know the delusion has only grown!

"Being a Teen Mom is hard". Is it, Jenelle? Did you read that from real teen mothers posting on twitter? "Ever since I signed over custody of Jace to my mom, I've had a hard time raising him" Ummm.... Is that because you aren't raising him? Let's continue... Jenelle briefly glosses over her relationship with Gary "North Carolina Corn" Head and subsequent world-wind "marriage" to Courtland "Courthouse" Rogers. As she tells it, police found heroin in her car so he is in jail and she is living at Barbara's house with no job and no school. Fabulous. Living the dream! Nothing So much has changed since this show began.

"You know, I'm really happy that, you know, I'm not on heroin anymore. I'm pregnant. I live with my mom and I don't have custody of Jace, so.... I'm going to have, you know, an abortion." Umm, can we talk about how unbelievable this timeline is?! First of all, Jenelle wanted us to believe it was a miscarriage. Second, she told her HUSBAND it was a miscarriage, but told America it was an abortion. Finally, before she had the abortion she pimped the pregnancy out to a magazine for profit. Jenelle Evans, there are MANY MANY MANY women who have actually suffered through the devastating loss of a miscarriage, so shame on you! 

Side Note: Jenelle is currently pregnant and was recently arrested for disturbing the peace.

Leah reveals that Ali has muscular dystrophy and that she will be wheelchair bound within a few years. The disorder also affects her respiratory system. Leah vows to do whatever it takes to allow her daughter independence. Also, Cory is getting married. 

Nothing is new with Chelsea. At all. She wants to get back into school. She's upset about Aduuuuumb and his giiiiiiiirlfriend. Chelsea doesn't want to do hair anymore, now she dreams of ruining your skin. Adam just had his fourth DUI and Chelsea is really crying to her dad that Adam is "there" for is other family, but not for her. She's going to lunch with him to talk about... ? I don't know. ---Hey girl, he's not THERE for anyone, except maybe his probation officer. Grow up and keep it moving. Speaking of moving, that's the only other storyline she's ever had. Think she'll move next?

Kailyn "big dumb moose" Lowry remains a sad, limp, dick. She is still lobbying to move her child 3 hours away from his father so she can live with her new husband, who moved at her behest. Jo, her babydaddy, is like SO rude, trying to keep his son near family! Things should be convenient for Kailyn. *eye roll* Oh, she's having a baby shower. That's interesting. I remember her publicly declaring that this was NOT a babyshower, but a coming home party for Javi or something stupid like that. Then, she called bloggers and twitter fans losers. Well, I have a blog (and a degree), but I don't have two baby daddies. Hehe BURN. 

Back to Chelsea... She wants to show off Aubree's counting skills, "1,2,3,4,10". I guess they have the same views on education. Now, back to the Aaaaaaadam storyline. Chelsea has moved from denial to projection. "It'll be sad for Aubree! Aubree is missing out! I'm sad for Aubree. Poor Aubree." Chelsea needs a ChristianMingle account, STAT. Never forget the 6 weeks she spent telling us her surgically placed IUD "fell out" the same day that Adam came over and she begged for the D. Never! Forget! She is the only one who hasn't been pregnant a second time solely because she is too annoying for anyone to stay the night. FACT.

Back at FarmersOnly.com, Cory shows up to pick up his twin girls from Leah. They are on their way to his wedding! Leah takes this tender moment to question whether it's what he really wants and mention that they could have tried harder to keep their marriage together, but whatever. Inappropriate. These twins should sign some kind of endorsement deal with DavidsBridal because they'll probably be in 12 more weddings before it's all said and done. Maybe a punch card or something?

Kailyn Lowry

Kailyn and Jo exchange some passive aggressive barbs regarding her petition to steal his child. She breaks the ice by calling him fat and he is like, do you own a mirror?! Jo explains that she is inconveniencing her son and his father, she rolls her eyes. ITS ALL ABOUT ME! I WILL EXACT MY REVENGE! A WOMAN SCORNED! TANTRUM! LOUD NOISES!

Barbara, Jenelle, and Jace all sit down to discuss the range of emotions Jenelle may feel after her abortion tomorrow. Barbara wants Jenelle to get some birth control pills. (Babs -- your child purposely gets pregnant to try and "keep"men in her life. Like her birth kept her father around? LOL!) Jace is waiting for the storm clouds to burst and listening intently. This is probably where he learned his new favorite word. More on that later. I think Jace will either grow up to be a psycho or a psychiatrist. 

Cory and his wife Miranda are rehashing their wedding. She looks pregnant. 

Chelsea and Adam are having a post-jail rap session. She immediately brings up his new baby. She's SO jealous. Side-note, for someone with a bazillion DUIs, Adam has a nice truck. Oh--they're fighting. Adam thinks Chelsea keeps Aubree from him. I doubt it. She jumps at any chance to see him, even if it's just in passing. Chelsea sees Adam slowly drifting away from her Aubree with the birth of this new baby. Adam is outtie. Later hater! 

Her next husband

The Ultimate Hater is at a baby store complaining about her own life decisions. To recap: She had a baby with Jo to get away from her mom, got a new boyfriend, chose to alienate Jos family, chose NOT to live with HER family in Texas, dated/lived with several people while taking Jo to court over and over and over regarding his girlfriends Facebook posts, married someone who she forced into the military for the benefits, pushed him to take any position that required relocation, got pregnant, and immediately expected Jo to disappear into the abyss so she and her new husband and new baby can have a convenient life together. Now, she realizes that if the court votes against her she will have to continue living in her current home, her husband will live 3 hours away for several days a week, and she will have to work in order to help make ends meet. Two children, two baby daddies, a job, and a commuter marriage. LOL. PLEASE let the judge tell her ass NO! ka-ka-ka KARMA! Javi looks depressed. You made the wrong decision hombre. 

Barbara, Jenelle, and Jace are going on their abortion road trip before Jenelle's husband gets out of jail and tries to keep his child. Murder on the DL. So glad Jace is an accomplice!!! Jace says, "Fuck" like 10 times in a row. Babs voices concern regarding daycare and Jenelle sternly tells her to BACK THE FUCK OFF because Barbara curses, too, god dammit! Okay, let's go get this abortion, already.
Chelsea is talking to her friend, Meagan, about Adam, again. She feels bad for Aubree. I feel bad for her thighs. HOLY YEAST INFECTION --- She needs some new shorts. ASAP. Something is very different about Chelseas moms face. Not in a nice way. Lifestyle Lift? Let's talk about Adam some more. Is nothing else going on in these peoples lives? No dates? No family issues? No new milestones for Aubree? Get a hobby!

Oh good, we now get to listen to Kailyn whine some more about Jo loving his son so much. Side note. she really is so ugly, inside and out. I can't even recap this insane rant she is on about how much of a pain in her side Jo is. She's the worst. I want to barf in her face.

Jenelle is annoyed and she breaks down the process of her abortion for us. "One pill today, four pills tomorrow, contractions, dead baby."
Jace says "Fuck that! I need some fucking cookies" Jenelle threatens to feed him soap.
Then, she immediately tell Barbara that "If it's not you, it's Jace. Yall are so aggravating."
Barbara quips, "Whatever Jenelle. Ya always asking fa my help or my money theyuh. I shoulda maybe just gone ta werk at tha Wal-maaat and let you go by ya self!"
Jenelle replied,"Whatever mom! Whatever I do, you dont respect!"
(Like....? Ummm.... your abortions? Your arrests? Your heroin?)
Babs wants to know, "Did you say thank you mom fa drivin me? Thank you mom fa tha abortion?"
Jenelle responds,"I would thank you, if you were not a bitch to me!"



This season on Teen Mom 2:
Jenelle joins Match.com and meets her current boyfriend, Nathan. They immediately decide to get pregnant. Please reread this recap. She also has some kind of legal case.
Chelsea continues to complain to her dad that Aubree has a sibling and it's not her child.
Kailyn Lowry continues to try to needlessly rip her son away from his father and paternal family.
Leahs husband might change jobs.