RHOA: A Trip Down Memory Lane

Hey, y'all! I'm sorry I've left you in the recap lurch last week, but truthfully I just couldn't be bothered with the Faux Housewives of All Those Counties. I was busy being a Real Housewife of Lafayette Parish, so the family won the war for my holiday attention.

A Big Homie and his TeamMates

Before we begin, let's catch up. Last week everyone cried. I mean EVERYONE -- except Nene. Nene drank. Phaedra pumped her breasts while throwing shade at the fakest "let's move on" speech of all time. Following the pump & speech, Kenya Moore decided to have a little bonding pity party with Cynthia and Porsha. To be fair, I do feel badly that this grown woman cannot get over the emotional scaring of being abandoned by her mother as an infant. I happen to know someone in that exact situation, so it hits close to home. Unfortunately, it doesn't hurt me enough to excuse Kenya's behavior. Also, Nene is NAYNAY when it comes to Cynthia's parenting style. NAYNAY can have a bunch of big ole moose with a wig seats, because Noelle and Arthur aren't any of her business. I don't think you can ever be TOO involved with your children. Actually, heavy parental involvement and open lnes of communication have both proven to be a highly effective forms of birth control. #WhoKnew? Next, someone else with a ton of mommy issues: Porsha proved she has no business being married by giggling and gossiping and having Kandi send Kordell texts for her. Porsha is on the wrong show. That's Teen Mom. There were some drag queens, some mac n cheese, and a flying cockroach. Oh and Kandi wants everyone to sing songs about how shitty her mom is. I'd see that play--- only if I can sit next to momma Joyce.

Now -- Let's see whats up for this week!
Kenya and Lawrence are at lunch. Kenya doesn't know how the word "Savannah" is pronounced, though she was just there for a few days, oh and also she's supposed to be obsessed with Gone With The Wind. Idiot. She recaps the trip: everybody's slept with Chuck Smith. The laundry is all on front street. Oh good, let's bring it back to Kenya's jealousy regarding Phaedra. Oh there it is: "Let's Move On"- Kenya . How many times will that line be uttered?

Nene and Phaedra are meeting with Chuck without his wife? This MUST be scripted, because theres literally never an occasion for my man to have lunch with my girlfriends, exes or not. Chuck loves the Boys and Girls Club of Athens and he wants the ladies to make an appearance or something. I'd call it a professional meeting, which is acceptable, except now they're slamming shots and discussing sex on vacations.

Cynthia and her sister, Mal, are shopping at a bead store. Mallory is like, "Oh these beads are gorgeous! My husband is still playing ball. I'll be living with you for two months. I really like these green beads..."
Cynthia says "Cut the shit. You can stay, but you'd better be nice to my husband." WOOP THERE IT IS! "Let's move forward." - Mallory. Hey, listen, I have a few critiques for you, Cynthia. A) If you don't want your sister in your marital business, STOP TELLING HER YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS B)Don't refer to making love to your husband as "working". LOL!

Porsha and her mom are buying a dog stroller and church outfits when Porsha tells her mom (in the same breath) that she is an adult now so she;s moving out and that she needs her mom to pay for the dogs wardrobe.

Kandi is paying for Derek J to do Momma Joyce's hair. Kandi is explaining that she is writing an autobiographical musical. Momma Joyce is ice-cold. Oh, this is even richer than Kandi is---
Joyce feels like she has done TOO MUCH for Kandi for too long. It's true what people have been saying: mental healthcare in the US is unacceptable.  Kandi has given this bitch a free ride for a zillion years. Goodnight. I must be dreaming.  Joyce compares Kandi marrying Todd with Kandi walking in front of a semi-truck. Is there a petition to commit her, yet? I'll start it. Just sign your name in the comment section with a suggestion for an affordable "home". Kandi has paid for enough of Momma Joyce's problems.

We're heading to the Boys and Girls Club of Athens. Interesting that Chuck invited the ladies to lunch, asked them to go to BGCA, and everyone was free to go that very day. Also, all of the children were there waiting. Hmm. SCRIPTED. I am excited, though, because I interned at Boys and Girls Club here in town during college. Ooop--- there it is again. "I know you, but I don't know you from Athens" - Nene Leakes a few reunions again. Well-- it seems that is not the case. Nene is telling stories about the circle of friends, and Phaedra is mentioned.

Porsha is showing her family her new place. Her mother is unhappy, but she's being fake/ passive aggressive. Porsha does not need this much room. It's her and two dogs, and to be completely honest, when she DOES find someone else to settle down with, this house will be for sale. Had she bought a nice townhouse, it would be rental income when she re-marries. Porsha really just said, "I know I might not be able to afford it, but I want to compete with Kordell." Then, she had the audacity to say "I'm a big girl now". Hugs Pull-ups, are you going to sue for copyright infringement or give her a sponsorship?

Mallory and Peter see each other for the first time since the ill-fated anniversary party she ruined with a tantrum and tears. You remember the lavish party Peter threw for their one year wedding anniversary-- to compensate for the problems Mallory caused at the wedding? Well, Peter tries to keep it light, but you can forget it. She TELLS him she'll be staying with him for a couple of months. Mind you, she never asked anyone. She just packed up, got on a plane, and moved the fuck in. #Americans
Peter mentions that you can't just move into peoples homes. The following conversation ensued:

Peter: Cynthia, we never discussed this... hint hint
Cynthia: I didn't know about it. It's a surprise for me, too. (read my eyes Peter. HELP!)
Mallory: SURPRISE!
Peter: We should have discussed this before you just agreed to it.
Mallory: Well, you didn't discuss purchasing that car over there, but I see it sitting there.
Cynthia: Shut up, Mal.

 Peter walks out, laughing incredulously.

Does she remind anyone else of Ursula? 

Porsha is moving. Her sister and mother are there on moving day and movers are doing everything. The women are laughing on leather recliners and discussing the cute movers. Porsha drops the bomb: I spoke to Kordell. Her mom is M-A-D. Porsha claims Kordell told her to move back in and he'll call off the divorce. I don't believe it, because she would not have moved into this house, she would have moved into his house. Also, if he didn't want the divorce, he wouldn't have filed it. Liar, liar, weave on fire. Well, Porsha is ready to "Move on". That's the third time in 45 minutes. I nominate all forms of "Let's move on" for a drinking game!

It's commercials. Is anyone else appalled by the shows Bravo keeps throwing at us? They are desperate for new shows and everything is just more of the same and none of it is interesting. It's always a reality show that follows the dinners, lunches, at least one cast trip, and contrived events of a group of 30-somethings who don't work, love to hate each other, and live in indiscernible houses in metropolitan areas. Hi, Bravo, can we have something INTERESTING? Whatever happened to Project Runway? Ever since Lifetime took it over, it sucks. Don't even get me started on Alyssa Milano....  Come on, even VH1 has Single Ladies. A scripted, well-produced version of all these vapid "reality" shows. I NEED MORE JEFF LEWIS, LESS TANKARDS, SHAHS, and MATCHMAKER. Scripted shows are all the rage and people LOVE them. Why not be radicals and produce a television program? Thanks.  .... ah, I digress.


Oh, the Athens Boys and Girls Club has funding. It's NOTHING like the one I interned with. They have t-shirts and a working foosball table. The ladies play foosball, the drums, and basketball with some of the kids in the club. Next, Chuck and the girls give some nice inspirational speeches and it's heartwarming. Nene didn't seem very sincere, right? Not to say she doesn't care, just that her speech was really general and rehearsed like she says it alllllllll the time. Okay, here we go! Chuck is going to call Phaedra out, because now she has already done him a favor. The conversation is fast paced so forgive me, but it's going to be crib-notes.

Chuck is the big homie and he put on pants in the fifth grade. They were the original friends with benefits. Phaedra and Kandi were teammates on some kind of Chuck Smith cheerleading squad. I would like to be on that squad, because he paid Kandi's credit card bills and took her mom on vacations. Where are my pom-poms? Chuck just wants us to understand the lifestyle of a young millionaire, y'all. Phaedra is the one that got away, but Kandi is the one who spilled the beans. She also messed with multiple men. Chuck lied to Kandi because he wanted a piece and was seduced by her family. (Gross) He proudly proclaims he took advantage of her because she was young and hungry. (She is still hungry) He ate ALLLL her aunt's food. (Not cool since you knew she was hungry.) He respects Kandi (Sounds like it). He was her big homie, too. Nene is really uncomfortable. Kenya is eating her popcorn, on the couch, watching this. I think Chuck Smith really, really, really, wants to boost his own ego. Maybe he has the sads because he's stuck with Sheree's twin?

Peter has some really legitimate concerns regarding Mallory. Cynthia is trying to exonerate herself by explaining that she really didn't know how long her sister was planning on staying, but that's not the issue. Peter doesn't want her there for two months, understandably, but even moreso, he wants her ignorant of their marital and financial issues. He feels she gets pleasure from their arguments. He is right, she does. Uh-oh. Crib notes, again.

Sassy Pants

Cynthia feels a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner. She actually really resents him for the Bar One nonsense and she's blowing up a little. Cynthia wants to cook Noelle lunch. Peter is aloof. Tensions mount. Peter needs a hideout to save the marriage. Cynthia doesn't subscribe to the Kris Jenner School of Marriage. No safe houses in Malibu. Cynthia doesn't even like Atlanta, she just works for the Peter Thomas Dream Foundation. The foundation is built on lies. YOU SOLD ME THE DREAM AND I BOUGHT IT! Finger pointing, bills, work ethic, don't bring up the past, yelling, "fuck fuck fuck", expressing myself, disrespect me, walking out on Cynthia. No mancave. I hate you. This marriage is a job. Peter doesn't want to go to work. (Don't worry Peter, no need to start working now.)

Next week looks good.
Okay, the season premiere of Downton Abbey is on. See you later!!