RHOA The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

The Mis-Education of MOnique Smith 

The bus is finally rolling on this ill-fated Savannah trip and Kandi privately mentions that Nene's friend, Mynique, is married to a man Kandi once dated, named Chuck Smith. Kenya doesn't know why Phaedra would pump her breast when her baby is, like, NO WHERE near here. *Eye roll* The ladies begin discussing how often sex should be appropriate in a marriage and Porsha immediately takes time out of her Twitter divorce to tell the ladies the laws of love-making in a marriage: Give it up three to four time a week or he is justified in cheating on you. *Eye roll* Kenya, of all people, points out that this line of thinking degrades a woman to only be worth what is between her legs. She also says that it is NEVER a woman's fault when  her man steps out on her with another woman. You hear that, Phaedra? It's not your fault. The woman then begin comparing the marriage between Mynique and her husband and the marriage that Porsha wished she had with Kordell. Porsha really tries to say that Mynique, a woman she met moments ago, is also under the thumb of her husband. Mynique shuts it down and is visibly offended at being placed in the "sugar-baby" category. Porsha begins crying because she has no one to submit to and she misses having a dad to sign her permission slips. I see the argument brewing between Porsha and Mynique. Please don't try to project the issues of your failed marriage onto my successful marriage of 20 years. Shhh!

The ladies pull up to Gingerbread House and meet the lady who ate Hanzel and Gretle, Tammy-Jo Beth. Phaedra thinks that the haunted mansion is similar to a nice, cozy, mortuary. Ok, time to pick rooms! Kandi asserts herself as beyond dominant by taking the master suite. Kenya is SO jealous. Haha! You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit, Kenya! Oh, now that she got read on the bus AND can't have the nicest room, Kenya has decided to hide around the house and jump out at people. This is your chance, Phaedra! Feign surprise and punch her in the face! Oh, okay, or rebuke her in the name of Jesus back to the Hell from whence she came. That's a good southern belle. Porsha is upset that her room is on the bottom floor because there may be ghosts in the house. She forces herself into sharing a bed with Mynique. Everyone is really sore that Kandi has the nicest room and Mynique and Kenya are REALLY trying to force Nay-Nay out of hiding. CLAIM THAT MASTER! KICK HER OUT! #Dreams

You just got owned. 

Nene runs off to bed, followed shortly by Phaedra. Kenya follows Nene to stir the pot, "GO GET THAT ROOM, GIRL!" Downstairs, the ladies are discussing when Casper committed suicide, while Kenya is upstairs planning a homicide. Oh, now there are ground rules: be on time or die. Phaedra returns from pumping and there's for sure some weird stuff happening in this house because Mynique is possessed by Kenya for a moment. She loudly and sternly tells Phaedra,"I'm glad you're back. Here is a new rule and you need to hear it the most: be on time." Well, Phaedra doesn't play like that and shuts the shit down. There may be ground rules, but first, there is a pecking order. Have a seat MO-nique! Twirl on that!

Kandi and Phaedra take a walk and discuss how just last week the ladies were hours late to something Kandi planned. Roll that Bravo footage! Yeah, it checks out. Hmm. Ground rule: Quit being a hippo-crit! The other ladies are in Nene's bed plotting against Phaedra and Kandi. Kenya is REALLY trying to recruit Mynique, but I know that this team doesn't work out because in real-time Nene and Kenya are no longer speaking.  Mynique didn't realize she's just been read by Phaedra. #Naive Oh, the truth comes out: Kandi AND Phaedra both dated Mynique's husband.  If she wasn't sure she's been read... it's coming honey. 

Cynthia wants to give Mynique a makeover so she can read Phaedra without a tracksuit, but uh... She's about to get read, again. By a few bitches... I'm pretty sure Cynthia is reading you right now. Nene is here, with her puppy Kenya trailing behind, to deliver the morning news: You are half-white so you don't know slang! Also, you are LATE! That was a ground rule! You have to die.

Meanwhile, Kandi and Todd are face-timing. Kandi vents to Todd about the Kenya/bus event and he gives her some rational advice. Phaedra comes in to deliver the 2 minute warning: DONT BE LATE! GROUND RULE!  Everyone gets downstairs and Kenya takes roll: "every one is here except Monique! She has to die!" (I can't with that ignorant name anymore. Sorry!) Ole' Mo wants a high-five from Phaedra, but she was late, so she gets some shade instead.

The ladies are going on a tour of historical places in Savannah that are significant to black people in particular, such as the First African Baptist church. Monique takes this moment to assert herself as a white person. "I've never faced prejudice. All of my friends are white. I went to a white school." Did you grow up with the Jim Crow laws? I'm confused. There were all kind of people at my southern Catholic school. I mean, did you have a special water fountain? Shut up, bitch. While touring the church, something interesting happens (thank God). Many aspects of the church's construction were secret clues to members of the Underground Railroad. So far, Porsha is on board, noting that hearing all of this reminds her how much her grandfather's legacy means to people in Atlanta. Apparently, he was a big proponent of the civil rights movement. The tour guide mentions a certain marking on the floor denotes that the Underground Railroad actually passed right beneath them, though the openings of the 4 foot pathway are a mystery. Okay, we've lost Porsha. She doesn't understand why no one knows where the train entered and exited the church basement, because it wasn't electric like we have now. #Crickets  Little wig, little head, little brain, y'all... Phaedra and Kandi say in unison, "It wasn't a train baby". 

Oh, y'all, BREAKING NEWS: Kenya is offended. (Forever a victim)

Oops, Monique wants to "clear" the air with Kandi about her "two-weeks" dating Monique's husband.

Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh

By two weeks, she must be referencing the TWO separate times they dated, at age 19 and age 21. During those times, he and Momma Joyce were BFFs, Kandi had a bunch of hit records, he introduced her to his daughter and momma and daddy and went on family vacations, and bought Joyce a Louis Vuitton and paid Kandi's credit card off... and then SHE dumped HIM! Oh and Momma Joyce still wishes HE had been her son-in-law Are those the two non-serious weeks of that "fling" you wanted to clear up? Unfortunately, Monique doesn't know one goddamn true fact about the relationship. Oopsie daisie. Can of worms.  You're about to be read, with your side-pony. Does she remind anyone else of Sheree Whitfield? I am excited! Sheree was also so sure of herself while she stepped in it... Lots of fun! Kenya is stirring the pot so quickly. "Is it awkward that people in this group have been intimate with your husband? Who else slept with her husband? Phaedra, you too, right?" HAHAHAHA! Monique's face says it all, "Oh, shit! Is this shade? Am I being read? Where are my white friends?!" Monique tells the ladies that Phaedra probably had a little crush and thought things were more serious than they were because it's all rumors and woman are delusional. Nope. You are delusional. Kenya asks about the sex and Monique calls her "tacky, classless, and cray-cray" Phaedra is like, "We dated when we were in 8th grade. No sex." Monique is relieved. Then, she says, "Then..... we dated again in college. Hmm... Now, I've moved on. I can be respectful of your marriage by not telling you details."  Kenya goes fishing for more drama, but Porsha cuts off her saying, "Obviously, your husband didn't tell you everything. You should ask the questions, not someone else." Monique decides NOW is the time to read someone in the group, per Cynthia's morning pep-talk.

Mo:"No, YOU& YOUR (ex) husband have poor communication! You should talk to YOUR (ex) husband!"
P:"I'm not trying to check you. I'm trying to help you. Don't project your insecurities on me!"
Mo:"Don't try to make my husband look crazy!"
P:"I didn't fuck your husband. She did. She did."

I TRIED TO WARN YOUR DUMB-ASS!

Cynthia is judging. This girl did NOT take notes during the morning lesson. Hmm. Let me just tell you, the countdown to Monique's divorce has begun. Tick Tock.