RHOA The Old Lady and Her Shoes... and Kandi's Used Hair

Tonight, I'm going to try something different! Rather than being cynical and hating most of the women on RHOA, I will write this recap from a glass-half-full perspective. I will believe the best in each woman and write about her as though I've just taken a hand full of Xanex. (I know, I'm pretty genius).




Kandi and Carmon have a genuine friendship of 25 years and prove that they can talk about anything. Todd comes upstairs and they all admire the hall of photos. Todd shows Kandi some new patty-cake moves and they discuss Momma Joyce's many fun attributes.

Nene and Gregg are visiting their friend Chuck and his longtime girlfriend Monique. They are old friends, and possibly Kenya's replacements. Nene thinks Chuck has dated both Kandi and Phaedra and mentions that Phaedra, Chuck, and Nene all went to the same high school in Athens, Ga. Monique looks beautiful, even when she is uncomfortable. Chuck is a big Bill Clinton fan and quotes him, "I never had sexual relations with that woman." Nene alludes to Phaedra being a SuperHead fan, but we all know this can't be true because Nene told us at the reunion 3 years ago that she doesn't know Phaedra from Athens. Mmmm hmmm.

Whatever. I did it. Kiss me. 

Speak of the Devil and he will appear... Phaedra is receiving an Apollogy. I call it an Apollogy because it is Apollo's own personal idea of an apology. Not quite meeting Webster's definition of an apology, but still needing to be checked off of her very full to-do list, the Niada's kiss and make up.

All of the ladies meet up to do Cardio Cabaret and so that Nene can invite them on a cast trip to Athens.  It is mentioned that Porsha fainted and is in the hospital. Her sister is also her assistant. I think it's wonderful that Kordell pays spousal support to Porsha so that her sister can be employed. FABULOUS! The family that unpacks and cries together, stays together! Everyone agrees to the contractually obligated trip. Kenya can't believe that the ladies are giving her an opportunity to film with them and tells us that "excited" isn't the word for it.  Nene says that it doesn't matter if people are nervous, she is the boss, so they will be going. I know that can't be true though, because 2 seasons ago, at dinner in Africa, Nene made it very clear that she is no one's boss. Phaedra looks adorable in her workout gear, she's clearly been working hard at losing her baby bump and this cardio will surely help. Kandi is a natural and picks up the choreography easily. Kenya thinks that Beyonce is trapped inside of her and begins doing African Worship dances she learned while hanging with her booooooooyfrieeeeeend in Africa. It's nice that this group of friends has adopted a mentally challenged woman and boosted her self-esteem by allowing her to believe she is "one of the gang".

 ^^^ Not getting pregnant ^^^

Noelle and her father, Leon, are having milkshakes and discussing her switch from middle school to high school. Leon eases the conversation into discussing Arthur, Noelle's boyfriend. Leon mentions that it is important to him that he meet Arthur and learn more about him. He also tells his daughter that she should feel comfortable telling him about her boyfriends. Later, Leon and Cynthia rehash the conversation and form a parenting plan. I think it's wonderful how well Leon, Cynthia, and Peter co-parent. It takes a village. Some nay-sayers say that these adults are making too big of a deal about her 8th grade boyfriend, but from a certified family life educator standpoint, I think they are a fine example (save for the TV crew) of parenting. Noelle has very involved parents who keep the lines of communication open. Her parents are literally competing to be the one to have "the talk" with her. Most parents pray not to have to do it. I vote Noelle least likely to appear on TeenMom4.

Porsha and her sister are spending some quality time telling stories about exciting new experiences, while also taking their blood pressure at Walgreens. Family time!! The girls may not be able to read a blood pressure machine, but Porsha's sunglasses are nice.

That's a read

Kenya and her mental health home care worker are talking one of their therapy walks with her emotional therapy dog, velvet. It's clear that Kenya missed her dose of antipsychotic drugs on this day, because she lapses into delusions that she's dating a man who lives somewhere on the continent of Africa. She tells her home-care worker that she wants to have children with him. I can tell these are pure delusions because she is 43 years old, God revoked her baby making privileges several years ago. Also, her boyfriend doesn't have a name or a country of origin (unless, of course, this secrecy is all because he has a wife). Kenya pushes through the psychosis (so brave!) and continues her therapy session lamenting that her issues stem from her mother. Apparently, as a baby, Kenya's mother decided she would rather party and be a child than parent, so she gave Kenya to her grandmother and then went on about her life as though she had not given birth to her daughter. Being ignored by her mother turned Kenya into a needy attention whore as an adult. Hmm. Interesting. Okay, I have to mention the overt Bravo shade:

Kenya says that she won't beg anyone to marry her and Bravo plays a clip of Walter (the "gay" "stalker" from last season, and also any Kenya Moore breakdown ever)  yelling at Kenya in Anguilla, "You or no one else will rush me into a marriage!" I think it's very interesting that her stalker doesn't want to be involved with her for life, but there is hope Waltypoo, the gays can get married now. You';ll find your true happiness. (Hehe, OR you could marry that woman you are dating... though as a "gay man" I think you'd find it unfulfilling).

Next, comes a Walt Disney-esque fairy tale. You'll all remember the story of Cinderella. It's the story of a woman who works hard to provide for her step-mother and her evil sisters aunts. One day, her prince comes along, someone takes off a shoe, they try to hold Cinderella down, but ultimately she gets to wear some gorgeous dresses and live in a castle. This is basically the story of Kandi Buress.

The SCP's in action with Glinda the single witch behind them

Kandi is going to try on wedding dresses because her mother apologized for the comments about Kandi's engagement ring and promised to be more open to the wedding. Also at the wedding dress store is Kandi's BFF Carmon. While Kandi is trying on a gorgeous gown, Momma Joyce gets the evil eye and has had one too many glasses of Ramona Pinot Grigio. She proclaims that Kandi will never wear her wedding gown, attempts to banish Carmon from the couch, points her finger in an effort to "J'accuse!" and then takes off her heel in an unabashed attempt to knock some r-e-s-p-e-c-t into Carmon. Then,
she explains her motives: Todd is an opportunist and he is short with a big head. He wants to write Momma Joyce out of the will and she will not stand for it! Her cronies jump in and defend Joyce to Kandi through lies, insults, and deceit. They CLEARLY tell Kandi that Carmon jumped out of her chair like she was going to do something to Joyce, when in reality Joyce attempted to attack Carmon, who was seated. Twice. Carmon can't be goaded into this. She is wearing Kandi's old shoes and old hair and she's hair flipping. After 25 years old friendship she won't engage in Momma Joyce's tantrum. "You're someones MOMMA! Bye Felicia!" Kandi swoops in like an angelic vision in white chiffon in an effort to appease the Senior Citizen Psychos aka SCP (yes, I named their gang), tries on another dress, and has a real conversation with her friend in the lobby of this wedding dress boutique. Maybe Joyce needs to be put in a very nice home...

Next week's preview shows that on the bus trip to Athens Kandi tells Kenya that "No one gives a fuck about what you're saying so sit your ass down and shut the fuck up". This leads me to believe that the big blow-out being teased by Bravo where Kandi yells, "I WILL DRAG YOU IN THIS BITCH!" is directed at Kenya. Can't wait.