Jenelle's Pregnant??

I tuned in 2 minutes late and the first words I hear are: "It's, like, have I even waited long enough for my body to recover from the abortion to care a child that can be healthy?" OMG. Why is God allowing this? There are just so many women who wish they could get pregnant and this girl treats them like Don Mattingly rookie cards. Jenelle's friend Tori just can't comprehend why this is GOOD news? I can't either.
Jenelle scheduled an appointment because isn't sure "if I have a dead fetus inside of me or if I am pregnat with YOUR baby or if I'm still pregnant with my husband's child". The amount of class I've found in that statement is undeniable.
Babs is sitting outside on the front lawn, because there is a monster in her home. Jace is repetitively kicking the front screen door open. Babs tells him to knock it off and he's like "Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck around! Quit fucking playing with me! I'm Jace Evans, lady. Fuck your front door!" Barbara responds, "Dont say those potty words, or you'll know what happens!" Guess what happens? He LOCKED HER ASS OUT, is what happened! She didn't even have a hide-a-key! Nothing. She stood at her front door begging her grandson to let her back in. Then, when he did, she went and sat back down on the lawn. He half-heartedly apologized. I SEE HOW JENELLE BECAME JENELLE!
It's time for Jenelle's ultrasound. She can't even pretend to not know what to expect. At this point, she could run the machine herself. The nurse tells her that there's no one in her uterus and Nathan is like "Oh, two or three times a day there IS someone in there!" I barfed.
Jenelle and Nathan are glad that the abortion pill isn't affecting their baby and that the abortion pill worked so she isn't pregnant with her husband's baby. They vow to try again to get pregnant with their own child. The rest of the world vows to shun the US for celebrating this conversation on national TV.
Babs is really happy that Jenelle is not pregnant. Nathan thinks he wasted 4 hours picking out names. Jenelle is like --- no we're doing this. We want this. Babs is like, impending jail time and being married to someone else is not the right time for this. Jenelle is resolute. Jace joins the gang for this very adult conversation. He was sweating this new baby so hard...

Kailyn quit her job, because she owns two houses. She's now on her way back to house number 1 in order to try and enlist a judge to aid her in kidnapping her son. Her prisoner husband, Javi, mentions a headache and Kailyn is like NO! ME! I am uncomfortable. I am pregnant. Me me me me me! She swears that  Jo will be able to keep his current insurance plan  Jo will still have the same amount of time with Isaac.
Isaac knocks on his dad's door and says "Let me in! I have diarrhea!" Everyone laughs. Jo invites Kailyn inside to discuss a compromise. He wants extra overnight visits. Kailyn is making a huge deal over this ONE specific night because she doesn't think she should have to pay tuition? I'm confused. i thought the conversation was going well, but Kailyn storms off and begins hysterically crying to her husband about the word "petty". To break down the nonsense: Kailyn wants to enroll her son in a pre-school that is open Mon-Thursday four weeks a month. She will have him in school Mon-Wednesday. This cuts out 4 days each month meaning her son attends school 12 days each month. Jo wants 2 extra days with his son each month. This would mean the child misses 6 days of school each month and attends school 10 days per month. So Kailyn WILL pay tuition for 12 days of school, but not 10. I'd ask why Jo is not helping to pay for tuition, but in an earlier season he mentioned that he is against pre-schooling and wants his son to spend the formative years around family. Jo, this kid spends so much time with Kailyn Lowry... he NEEDS that time in pre-school. Trust. Me.
Kailyn is going before the judge to confess that she went behind his/her back and purchased a house out of state and moved. She hollers that looking at Jo will set her off today. GROSS! A judge gave Kailyn what she wants. UGHHHHH It's okay, though, because if I've learned one thing about watching Kailyn Lowry on Teen Mom2 for 5 seasons, it is that she is NEVER ever ever ever happy. Ever. No matter what she is given, she is eternally sour. This makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
Kailyn and Jo are exchanging the child at Ross Dress for Less. Kailyn is already bitching that she didn't get everything she wanted.
Married: check
Pregnant: check
Home owner: check
Domiciliary: check
Moved son hours from father: check
What did she not get? I'm confused? Kailyn is the worst. Be happy for once in your life, cunt.

Aubree is having her birthday at school. Chelsea is a carrot top and she's talking about Adam having a new baby on her birthday. She's annoyed because SHE wanted a family and Adam is, like, having children with other people... She's like flirty with him so she doesn't understand. Also, half-siblings are, like, sub-par. Side-Note: Last week, in real time, Adam Lind smashed a Corvette into an elderly couple and was pulled form the wreckage before the car burst into flames. The elderly couple (in their 80's!) have broken bones. Adam is fine and being charged with 5 crimes... Uhhh he's had like 100 DUI's and has two children. WTF is he doing with a Corvette? Also, he has no license. Also, there were no drugs or alcohol involved -- just his sheer stupidity. Back to Teen Mom: Chelsea is pining for a Forever Family with Adam. Why?
Chelsea is getting everything ready for Aubree's birthday party. She's turning 4 and she's super over her mom. I think Chelsea is a really great mom, over-all. She seems to really enjoy her daughter and genuinely care about her. Unfortunately, she's still talking about Adam Lind. Apparently, they've invited Adam over to help prepare for the party under the condition that he not mention the birth of his new child.
Adam shows up in his now burnt-to-a-crisp Corvette, to bake cake pops. Aubree goes outside to get her gift from the car, but first, she criticizes Adam's parking skills. Chelsea and Adam haven't even said hello. Aubree opens her gift and before she realizes what it is, Chelsea blurts out "She already has that!" Manner, asshat. Manners. Say thank you and exchange it later, if you MUST. Chelsea starts talking about how THEY did this and THEY make cute kids. Adam is like--- I'm taking her to a sane non-obsessive environment. Aubree really wants to go with her dad. Chelsea tries to bribe her to stay by upstaging Adam's gift with a large stuffed pony.
Aubree's party is pink and black and everything Pinterest has to offer. She has a huge Rapunzel bouncy castle. I think there's only one other child at the party and everyone else is a 20-something friend of Chelsea talking about Chelsea. Oh, I take it back, there are some other kids there-- but it IS mostly adults. It's a cute party.

Leah's husband is coming home from his month long job-- where he recently fainted. Leah is worried.
Leah is taking her purple extensions and her husband to a very strict doctor to see about his recurring headaches. They are not getting along and it is a stressful day.
Leah and her husband are back home and all of his tests came back normal. He probably fainted from stress. The bigger and more interesting component of this scene is that everytime the camera pans to Leah, someone in her family is holding a different one of her clip-in extensions. LOL! She is either shedding them like crazy or giving them to people are toys and love tokens. I don't know. It;s very Britney 2007: You want a piece of me? I think her hausband just tried to put one back on her head. It looked like putting tinsel on a Christmas tree. I think the kids are germ-xing after playing in their moms weave. Jeremy will stay home for a while.


Next Week on Teen Mom2:
Jenelle goes to court, Tori gets rid of her McDonalds 'do
Chelsea cries about Adams new baby
Leah enrolls he kids in school
Kailyn is miserable

Teen Mom: Jenelle Wants a Baby

You read that correctly. Jenelle Evans, had an abortion because it wasn't fair to her son. She got a new boyfriend, but is still married. She moved in with this new boyfriend within moments of meeting, and now they have decided they deserve - nay, NEED a baby.

Ugh.
I can't.

Teen Mom 2- No one is bringing it!

Where is the excitement? The drama? The hilarity? This season is pretty lame and uneventful. Anyway, here's what's going on this week: nothing.


Jenelle, her mom, and Jace are having breakfast together. Jenelle and her mom talk legalities and hard core drugs before coffee-- and in front of Jace. Then, she tells Babs that she's moving in with her blind date from the other day. No one questions the timing because  he's a model. Jenelle and her boyfriend are surprised that the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship has lasted so long -- a matter of weeks. I am surprised Jenelle and her husband of less than a year are not still in THEIR honeymoon phase. OMG - STOP THE PRESSES! Jenelle is packing things to move in with her underwear model and I've noticed she has THE SAME mass-produced art piece as I do. I must burn it tomorrow. My home can't look like a heorin den. I believe this is the house that Jenelle bought and had to sell immediately because - allegedly- the neighborhood wouldn't allow filming. I don't know how true that is, because we are seeing footage now. Hysterically, Nathan can't seem to rid himself of the feces, finally having to remove his shoe and throw it away. Is this a metaphor for what is to come? #Foreshadowing
Jace and Babs go to Jenelles new house and, you know what? It's nice! It's a nice house. Good for her. Ooooh the truth comes out! She is RENTING this house. Nathan is one of those high-pressure time-share reps. This explains how he got her to rent him such a nice home so quickly ... Plus she's codependent as fuck.
Babs and Jace go to Jenelles to hang out. Jenelles leopard paw tattoo sticking out of her daisy dukes makes me laugh, but not nearly as much as the I depth conversations about drugs that constantly happen around Jace. They discuss Jenelle almost dying from heroin overdose so casually. Jenelle does not take part in the conversation. It's like she's not in the room. It's really funny - and none of it is true. LOL

Kailyn is still the worst. She's house shopping  prior to approval from the judge. She complains about finances and living situations, both of which are the result of her manipulative behavior. Girl, bye.  I hate that people on television constantly say "real-a-tur". The word is  "realtor". Kailyn is now taking her son to visit houses and telling him they can live there. #parenting  How cute is Jo's son?  (See what I did there? REALITY!) He's hysterical on the trampoline! Oh great--- Kailyn and Javi are making an offer on ta house in another state and they haven't even gotten court approval. Perhaps she will move and the judge will say, that's fine. Jo gets domiciliary custody. You can see him every other weekend. HAHAHA that'd make my day. I have open disdain for the whiney, manipulative, friendless victim that is Kailyn Wassherface. I do not care who knows it. To me, shees every hit as delusional as Farrah BackDoor.  To go along with her half sleeve and full back, she gets a TRAMP STAMP of DISDAIN from me.
Jo is actually interacting with his son. They are playing and it's cute. Then, it's back to the Kailyn show. I refuse to recap anything regarding Kailyns "wedding" because MTV has already
Forced me to do this once. It is cruel and unusual punishment to make us watch this MEMEMEME fiasco again. More about moving or not moving. Buying a house to sell it. Wahn wahn wahn. Vute headband. Thanks for NOT wearing it on your forehead. This is not Burning Man.
Kailyn and Javi are boring me again. I like her braid. I cannot braid that way. #compliment

Chelsea is doing her moms makeup at make up school. Her friend Megan's mom and her mom are TWINS! Right down to the glasses and hair cut! Oh, lets talk about Adam!  Surprisingly, it's mostly Chelsea's mom who keeps bringing him (and his NEW baby!) up and Chelsea is like SILENCE! Peasant.
Adam and his girlfriend are discussing  their newborn and he takes the  tender moment to get sassy about Chelsea. The didn't retain THAT much from the preschool orientation. Uh-oh! Adams girlfriend wants to go to Aubrees parent-teacher meetings. Ma'am , no. Just, no. Adam just wants a formalized visitation schedule. I think that's a good idea - for everyone. Adam really needs to stop comparing his  girlfriend to Chelsea - to his girlfriends face.
Chelsea is taking the cutest child on Teen Mom, Aubree, to her first day of pre-school. It's the MILLIONTH first day of school Chelsea has filmed, so Aubree sings.
Chelsea AND Adam show up to pick Aubree up from her first day of preschool. It's nice that he made he effort.  It's NOT cool that he invited her somewhere without asking Chelsea first.. AND it's Chelsea's birthday. I don't think it was to be ugly, I think it was because he's a moron.
Oh wait, Chelsea has another class to go to. Why could Aubree go with her dad while her mom goes to class? Instead, she's going to her grandmas. If they had a formal agreement he would have the right to first refusal (probably) and things like this wouldn't happen. Hmm.

Leah starts off by discussing Ali's wheelchair. Did I miss something? I thought the doctor said not to even get one until she needed it- years from now- to encourage walking? Leah is complaining about her husband having a stable job with steady work and mega pay. #NoOneRelates Momma Dawn is very emotional regarding the reality of Ali's situation. It's heartbreaking.
Corey and his wife rehash Ali's latest doctors appointment and subsequent results. Corey's wife is gorgeous! She's also well-behaved and appropriately supportive. She knows her place as step-mom and she shines in that role. I like her. STAMP OF APPROVAL!
Aleah (spelling?) is sassy as fuck. She needs a spanking. Thank God she has two dads... Or she's have twins at 16, too.  Yes I know it skips a generation. Shut up.
Leah is probably selling her house and moving in order to have a handicap accessible home. I applied her forethought. Unfortunately, if she thinks she's lonely now -- moving 40 minutes away from her family will "show her the meaning of being lonely" #BACKSTREETSBACK

Leah and Corey are exchanging the twins and discussing the move, the reality of life with disability, and to be honest, Corey is in heavy denial. It's very sad. He thinks it's "nothing" and she'll grow up normally and walk down the aisle at her wedding. It's heartbreaking. I teared up. 

Next week on Teen Mom2:

Jenelle is trying for a baby

Chelsea goes on vacation to Rollerskate

Jo and Kailyn make me yawn

Leah's BFF is married and moving. #Lonely