RHOA Girl Code Breakers

Here's the long and the short (wig) of it...

Kenya

Kenya made this guy "tweak" in the street to celebrate
being told to move out of her house. On HER terms.
Allegedly.

Kenya thinks she won her court case regarding her eviction. The blogosphere tells me differently. I have to listen to the blogs over Kenya anyway because she is, afterall, the one who looked directly into the Bravo cameras and told us:

1. She moved to Atlanta to be with Walter.
2. Walter is a stalker.
3. She purchased a beautiful home in Atlanta.
4. She has a landlord who is trying to evict her.

Girl. Bye!

Porsha

Porsha's face when she saw her check
Haha!

Kordell sent Porsha a check for $5,000 as spousal support. She is staying at her mother's house because he kicked her out. She says she doesn't want to spend her support money on supporting herself, i.e., rent. Listening to Porsha and her mother's conversation they sound like a couple of gold diggers... and to be honest, Kordell sounds like he was trying to buy them. The discussions of their life together during the engagement portion of their relationship included promising lavish trips on private jets to go shopping in New York, promising to give Porsha a monthly allowance to go shopping, etc. In reality, Porsha was having to borrow form the Bank of Mom and Dad, because Kordell isn't into sharing. Kanye West said it best, "Two- thousand-dollar bag with no cash in your purse". Hmm. All that sparkles is not gold. Those shiny, glistening, sparkly promises were really just a big pile of stinky shit simmering in the Atlanta heat. Now, you both reek. Use that support money to support yourself, girlie. Buy yourself a little house near momma and call it a day.

Nene

Nene tries to distract crazy Kenya
 with her shiny ring.

I am one confused woman. The last scene from the last episode was of Nene walking away from Kenya who hollered after her, "Go to Hell Nene!!" Now, they are hugging and meeting for lunch? I guess SOMEONE has to film with Kenya and Bravo probably told Nene, "This is your mess. Clean it up." So Kenya tries to cry and tell Nene that she's hurt and that Nene is insensitive. Kenya was homeless and she's been "going through it". Nene calls bullshit. Next, Kenya tries to play victim, claiming that Nene invited Walter to her wedding. It was "hurtful". Nene tells her to STFU about Walter already. THANK YOU. You paid him to be your storyline LAST YEAR, Kenya! We will need something very new. How about all that bologna with Apollo, Phaedra's husband? Well, Kenya claims she never implied there was an inappropriate relationship. Bravo flashes back to the reunion where Kenya implies there was an inappropriate relationship. Nene's last words on the subject: "All this dick in Atlanta and you gunna text somebody else's man? Girl go on." Two snaps for you, Nene Leakes, you are the reigning queen of sass in the ATL. Then, the Neenster decides there should be a summit to discuss Kenya's G-Code violations and hash it all out. She LOVES to force people who hate each other together to openly discuss their disdain for one another. Remember the Spilling the Tea Party on her wedding show? Kenya sees it. She thinks its a set-up. I KNOW it's a set-up. Kenya is singing about cutting people... 


Cynthia

This is the photo Cynthia
is upset about looking
pregnant in.

Cynthia is gaining weight in her stomach because of fibroids, cupcakes, and #3's from Wendys at 2am. I'm confused, but I also feel badly for her. She says her fibroids cause her pain and embarrassment. I hope there is a quick, painless, easy fix. The man spending all of her money is less than understanding and needs her to find a treadmill. That's nice.

Next, we head to Kandi's house for some good ole sex toys and a good plate of food ...or a glass of wine and some family gossip. Porsha shows up showcasing her small head and little brain. That was a read by Phaedra, not me. Let's gossip about Kenya. Everyone thinks she needs to give it a rest, with both the Walter drama AND with chasing married men. Apparently, Kenya offered to lick Apollos lollipop. Is anyone else sick of Kenya yet? 

Phaedra

I don't have a photo of the Niada
boys, but this one is nice, too.

Prince Aidan thinks Mr. President is his baby and they are truly adorable together. Phaedra is feeling the strain of her overbooked schedule. Apollo might be feeling a little under-appreciated. They are going to have to knock-off the passive aggressive digs in front of other people. You are making your guests uncomfortable, and that's just not southern. Awww, Apollo looked like a kicked puppy leaving with his little bookbag. Sad face!

Back at Cynthia's, we're going to the miracle doctor to see if she qualifies for surgery. Peter doesn't think Cynthia needs her uterus and maybe they should just have that removed, too. Also, she eats way too much, like an animal, and she's out of control. Peter is resolute that Cynthia can and should dial down the eating. Dr. Miracle explains that this condition causes all of her symptoms including low-sex drive. Peter declares that he is not a selfish person... thats why hes staying with Cynthia through this period of low sex drive. Oh, Cynthia may be able to keep her uterus. 

The Group Text Cheating Summit of 2013 has begun and Kenya Moore is on a diatribe (again) about eating some lion cubs. She needs a drink. Now.
Kandi "ain't like these texts". Oh, here we go, Kenya is backtracking down Excuse Lane, Atlanta, Ga. She claims the texts she referenced were strictly friendly and at the reunion she was telling Apollo that if he doesn't care for her, he should stop friendly texting her. She showed Andy the texting to prove that they are friends and she no longer wants to be friends. Phaedra says NOPE. I know better. That's NOT what happened. Nene's talking head is faux-disappointed that Kenya isn't making any friends. Kandi speaks out about her disapproval. Kenya tries to go hard. (Meanwhile, she is showing her true colors under her breath.) Porsha just FUCKING CAN'T. She can not. She will not. She has Miley's hair and she's adopting her attitude. She goes from snooze to lollapalooza in 5 seconds flat. She's clapping between syllables, she's calling bullshit, and she'd rather be at home sorting through her piggy bank. She calls Kenya a fake friend now and forever, Amen. Phaedra is still pissed and she's bringing it out. She's particularly upset about accusations that the Niada's have AIDS. Nene expresses shock and Kenya admits to what she said, then tells Nene to SHUT UP. Ummmm.... eat all the lion cubs you want, but don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Porsha is taking over her mom's master bedroom/ closet. Kordell is trying to upset Porsha by packing up and delivering the remainder of her things. I say that's so sweet. Bless your heart, Kordell. Thanks for saving me money on movers. She mentions karma and a bubble butt. Giggles. Next scene.

Kandi

"Imma give you some of this right here, UHNN!" - Nene Leakes

Momma Joyce is on one. She really needs to have a seat. Kandi has given her mother her old house and Joyce says she's really going to make it her own. Hmm. Ineresting. She is yelling at Kandi about photos on the wall, counting Kandi's money, and claiming Todd is taking advantage of Kandi. She thinks Kandi should have a bigger ring. I'm going to come right out and say this and I hope it gets right back to Ms. Joyce:

You, ma'am, think that because Kandi paid for the house and Todd pays the bills, that he is taking advantage of her. You made this claim to millions of people on NATIONAL TELEVISION, knowing how much it hurt your daughter when Marlo Hampton said it. Then, in the same breath, you slipped up and outted your real fear: Todd may end YOUR free ride on the Kandi express. Where's YOUR job? Who is paying YOUR bills? Who's house are YOU living in? Mhmmm... Lord have mercy, because the insecurities are shining right through in Atlanta tonight.