RHOBH Live's A Witch

HEY, JAKE CIBRIAN, I SAW YOUR MOM ON TV LAST NIGHT!

Ok, my sister specifically asked for a RHOBH recap, so this one is for you, dear. Let me preface this by saying that last year, like everyone else, I was team Lisa Brandi Yolanda. Because these people love twitter and are the subject of tabloid covers, I know that that friendship no longer exists. I'm sorry, but who ever Yolanda picks is who I pick. Okay, lets get started.

Brandi is in her  new bathroom in a pink silk nighty, covered in bandaids. She has invited a friend over to watch her bathe, something she simply could not do before filming started. She is completely nude, there are no bubbles, but there ARE the following people: a man with a camera, a man with a boom mic, a "friend" in a full face of makeup, and producers. The reason for this scene is... to show off Brandi's boob job to Leann Rhymes to discuss whether Brandi should stop using her fake boyfriend who rents her houses and fixes the tub.

Joyce is running a pageant called "Queen of the Universe". She brags about her degrees (both of which pay absolutely zero bills. I know this for a fact, because I have the same degree.) Oh, not unlike the previous scene, Joyce shows us some nudies of herself, explaining that Mr. Donald Trump loved them. She heads to a jewelry store, with the reigning Queen of the Universe, to talk about her struggle to pay rent at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and compare herself to Pretty Woman. Ok, does Donald Trump know he was played by Richard Gere? Omg, one of her children is NOT like the others. I'm not saying ADOPTION, but I AM saying he's the Khloe. Oh, she addresses this by saying, "People think I'm the nanny. I say, 'I was on bed rest with him!'" Sounds legit...

Carlton hired Tinkerbell on Crack to take care of her son because she's beautiful and she wants only beautiful women around her son. She also just licked her floor. No, she really did that. Then, she called herself a "classy bitch", but she said it in a british accent, so it's kind of adorable? "This house is a dream house. There are crystal balls, crosses.. its a cathedral ...and also a gothic church. Well, its a castle". Those are HER words. Carlton is entertaining the idea of inviting over all the RHOBH to lay in her bed and eat Daddy's Grilled Cheese. I am excited! I hope Kyle shows Daddy her splits!

Yolanda is receiving holistic in-home treatments for her Lyme Disease. She discuses the impact her disease has had on Gigi. Yo and her daughter have a great discussion about her future in New York and the importance of her college education. They mention how lucky they are to be able to have careers and receive higher education, but they cry because they will really miss each other. This is sweet. I follow them on twitter and they are constantly telling each other how much they love one another and tweeting photos together captioned "I miss you!"They are a nice family.

Brandi is taking her realtor JR to lunch, dinner, no... lunch? (I can't tell) to dump him, but she intends to invite him over when her kids aren't home and the crickets get loud. Oh, Brandi's real reason for being upset is that JR went on a couples trip without her, and maybe without anyone? I'm not sure. This seems staged and I'm over it.

Hello ladies! 

Lisa Vanderfabulous is driving her amazing convertible down the beautiful street of some exclusive Beverly Hills neighborhood and she's talking to her daughter about Dancing with the Stars and her sex-monster father. There is more discussion about whether Lisa's faint was fake and let me tell you... I recently had a friend faint right next to me (I have that affect on women..) and the two incidents looked the same. Looking at the silver-lining, Lisa decides she can now stop being a lousy dancer to focus on being a lousy mother and wife. No more photos of Jiggy in a tux in the DWTS audience. Sad!!!

I am pretty sure Carlton is boning Tinkerbell the Crackhead. Also, I think she's wearing a completely sheer nude colored shirt. More on that later... If I have to hear one more kissy noise from Kyle Richards  ever-shrinking lips, I will rip them off and give them to Taylor. #NeverTooMuchLips Umm, Carlton doesn't hire caterers #SUR, instead she tells her friends they can be extras on a Bravo show if they serve the food. Okay. Brandi and Yolanda both say in interviews that they like Carlton and I am getting worried that Lisa will be odd man out this season. Sad face! Oh, Carlton just told Yolanda that she enjoys kissing her son and its inappropriate because she asks for his tongue. She's joking. Maybe. I can't tell.

We're going to kill you, Kyle.

Back in the limo, Splits is regaling us with the classy tale of the time she hid her puppy's diarrhea in her daughter, Sophia's, bathroom. Puppies are, like, WAY harder than babies! #Parenting The kittens are getting catty... LISA WANTED TO BE ELIMINATED! Everyone reenacts her perfect faint. Brandi confirms that she faked it. #JudasByBravo The ladies arrive at Carlton's Church Castle and EVERYONE has a name for it: castle, church, beautiful, creepy ...no one mentions what I have just seen: Carlton's nipple through Carlton's sheer shirt in Carlton's church. WTF? Kyle immediately asks Carlton if she was raised catholic and by the look on her face, I think Carlton just put a hex on her. "It's like, so fucking rude, Kyle, to meet someone and ask them about religion. Please be a little more NORMAL! Look at my beautiful, gorgeous, murderous chucky dolls! They are so beautiful. They walk through the house while everyone is sleeping". Carlton is ALWAYS criticizing other peoples "fucking manners" in her interviews. Can't wait for the reunion!!

Brandi is as messy as they come! She told the ladies in the limo that Lisa's faint was fake, then she walked right up to Lisa and tells her the other girls called her a LIAR! A big, fake, pink, lying, british bitch! Of course, she blames it on Kyle, Lisa walks out, and during the commercial break we learn that Carlton has a catholic priest's confessional in her home where there is a lot of fornication by a variety of people.

A witch named Victoria left her balls in Carlton's backyard and since Catholicism is off-limits, Kyle decides to ask about witchcraft. "It's bloody rude". Carlton is a Wiccan from the all-encompassing whiteside who is going to knock Kyle and her warts off of her broom because Carlton has known women like Kyle her whole life. She promises, though, that she will never go to the dark-side, not again. She has children now. #Parenting. Carlton takes everyone to gather 'round and gaze at her bed, but that doesn't last long because Kyle needs to sit at the head of the table they used at the Last Supper. Lisa called Kyle a Queen Bitch in her interview, but I think that may infringe upon the title of Queen of the Universe. Back at the head of the table, Kyle is firing off questions like its an interrogation. "Carlton, how long did it take to build this house, whats your blood type, are you a good cunt?" Joyce is confused because asking about religion should be more acceptable than calling the hostess a cunt, but Yolanda steps in as the voice of reason, "You're not her mother. Have a seat."

Hard Pass Carlton. Sorry.

Carlton and Lisa are discussing Dancing with the Stars and for some reason, Carlton just propositioned Lisa... Lisa politely turned her down (good call, gross), though, she does support the gay community. Carlton is sad Lisa turned her down, but the thought of Joyce fornicating makes her throw up in her mouth. Do you think she needs glasses? Kyle called someone "tight as a tiger", which I don't understand. Are tigers notoriously "tight"? Joyce tells the table that she wouldn't consider vaginal rejuvenation surgery because her vagina is VERY tight because she didn't birth that kid... and also her husband is so big he wouldn't fit. In an interview, Carlton is back to being offended. (She is truly an emotional roller coaster) Her husband is "hung like a fucking donkey" but she would NEVER say that to anyone (except on national tv in an interview).

You've got to be kitten me right meow, Brandi!

Changing the subject, Carlton thinks women should run the universe, but we hate each other too much. Brandi agrees, noting that women should stop sleeping with each other's husbands, too. Speaking of, let's talk about the other women Mauricio is boning. Meow! Don't say that the tabloid rumors aren't true, Kyle, because Brandi thought the tabloid rumors weren't true in HER marriage and EDDIE CIBRIAN CHEATED ON HER! In case you DIDN'T know: MEN CHEAT! THEY ARE CHEATERS! THEY'RE THE WORST!

aaaaaand scene.