RHOBH Irked At Cirque

Lisa Vanderpump in Killer's Moon
Who's the famous actress now, Kim Richards?

Tags Lines... what they are really trying to say
Kyle: I know whats fake, because it takes one to know one!
Yolanda: Actions speak louder than words
Brandi: I'm a social climber
Kim: I'm desperate for a comeback
Carlton: I curse a lot!
Joyce: I'm hot
Lisa: I'm on Dancing with the Stars!

Brandi and Carlton are really into themselves each other. They're doing that thing desperate girls do right after high school where you pretend you like girls so people pay attention to you, except they aren't 18 and trying to find themselves. They're 42 and vying for camera time. So they are at a lingerie store called Trashy (duh) showing each other sex hand cuffs and because they are both sexual werewolves, they are writing sexual dreams under the full moon to bury with sex crystals. Brandi thinks Carlton has an "amazing" body. She has implants and no curves. Carlton thinks she has big boobs and a big ass....

Kim is desperate for a storyline and since no one cared about her dog, she's going to a cirque de soleil class. She couldn't sign up without reminding us that when she was a little girl (60 years ago) she trained for stuff because she was a MOVIE STAR! She's a STAR! She was famous first, Paris! Oh, thank God! Someone mentioned Kyle's splits. It's been a few episodes...

Look at me! Look at me! PLEASE for the
love of God, LOOK AT ME!

Speak of the devil... No one on earth makes more annoying mouth sounds than Kyle Richards kissing someone hello. No one. She and Mau-Rit-Zio are meeting with Joyce and her husband for dinner. Oh, that Kim is SO zaney! She wants us to go to a circus! New drinking game, every time Joyce makes a sexual innuendo --- drink! (It is a SAFE bet that anytime she is on screen you should have a drink ready). People are, like, SO jealous of Kyle! Did you know she's related to Paris Hilton? You just have to ignore all the rumors... oh look, theres a rumor about Paris, put it on the show so they air this scene!



Yolanda's daughters are in her closet stealing her clothing. Gigi is going to London for work, then she will be moving to New York for school at the end of the summer Yolanda admits that she sits in Gigi's room and cries because she already misses her. It's very cute how close this family is. HAHA! Yolanda's younger daughter just said, "Ok, I have like $8.00 to my name... so I'm going to start on a ...career.... thing." HAHAHA She gets a pass
because I think she's 15 years old. GIVE HER AN ALLOWANCE!

Ken and Lisa are the cutest. Ken is surprising Lisa with a puppy. Her surprise is genuine and her instant love of the dog is ADORABLE! (I could have done without the mention of puppy-sex). Lisa is concerned that Jiggy might be jealous...
How funny is it that Lisa and Ken have found a way to continue being parents even after their children have left the house? HAHA, she accidentally named the dog "butt-sex". Ooops.

Brandi and Yolanda just told Kim that they intend to make things really awkward and all about them. You can't have this scene Kim. It's going to be about us and Kyle. Sorry. Try again later. Kim isn't cool with it and decides that the paparazzi created all of the animosity in the group. ATTENTION KIM RICHARDS: THE PAPARAZZI DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. I'VE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN YOU ON A GOSSIP MAGAZINE COVER. EVER. (No, but really.... even when she had that poop pillow through the airport, paps didn't care.) Kim isn't going down without a fight so she makes a weird speech and then promptly calls Yolanda rude, without cause. Truthfully, Kim WAS interrupted during her speech. Several times by Lisa, several times by Kyle, and several times by Brandi. Yolanda didn't say a word. Everyone is quiet trying to figure out what is going on... when attack dog Kyle chastises Yolanda and Brandi on behalf of Krazy Kim, leaving me mega confused. Why is everyone dressed monochromatically? I don't care that Yo is in head-to-toe green. She's my beautiful mermaid. Oh, Kim just explained that "They're doing mean girls. They like to do that". To which Kyle replied (via talking head), "Yolanda is not behaving very politely." Richards sisters, kill yourselves. How many times will you be victims until you finally die?

Carlton doesn't quite understand acrobatics, as she fears there may be clowns involved. I'd like to point out that for the past two years, Lisa and Brandi would always joke around about Brandi being a floozy, even going so far as to pretend she was Lisa's husband's mistress. They always enjoyed making everyone else uncomfortable. Now that Brandi has someone NEW to use for attention, she is done with Lisa. Lisa made a joke about sex swings in the bedroom and Brandi is très offended. Shut up, slut.

Next up is the silks, again. This is the second time in 24 hours I've had to view aging Bravolebrities at this angle. I'm unimpressed and refuse to include another photo of a 40-something unpaid, legs spread. Well, actually, Joyce looks like an angel. Yolanda is struggling a little because she feels weak. Kyle thought this was a great time to announce that she sends tweets via her vagina and needs to get down. Kim is taking this VERY VERY seriously, because she is an ACTRESS and she has this in the back pocket. Kim thinks EVERYONE will grow from this experience. #Kim"OprahWinfrey"Richards.

Brandi thinks she's a girls girl because paparazzi she said she said bully bully grown woman done and done. Next.

Oh, good grief, now Brandi is a victim. Kyle never called you anything. Paparazzi said something in front of your kids, not Kyle. "STFU. No one cares". Really, really, really, awkward silence. So whats a scorned housewife to do? Offer herself up to the girl who hates her most. Fall on your sword! Kyle will roll on the ground while Carlton jumps on her with stilettos. Oooooh, poor Kyle. She walked into a room of negative energy. (Sarcasm) Yolanda rushes off to get her daughters ready for prom. She's FRIGGIN AMAZING! She squeezes other peoples events in even when she has monumental life events going on: surgery, prom, flights, grammy awards, citizenship ceremonies.... Yolanda Foster's life is WAY cooler than mine. #supermodel #rolemodel

Thank God I have DVR. I can't watch one more commercial clip of the Richards sisters "chillen" with the movie Frozen. #FastForward

I don't know what "Thompson" is, but I love it. It's beautiful and everyone has a cabana at the pool. (Though the pool is pretty basic) Ahhh... a cabana divided --over Mrs. Foster! Poor Joyce, she's on the wrong couch. Oh, here we go, victim to victim bully a la bully. Lies, lies, paparazzi. Kyle doesn't go camping. Brandi is divorced. Mauricio probably isn't cheating. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks. Pick up the phone, let's move forward, love and light. Life is too short. Tension. Twitter. NO ONE REACHED OUT TO ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! It was not cool. #EveryHousewivesShowEver

We don't care.

Truthfully, no one cares about a Mauricio cheating scandal or people calling Brandi a bully. If Brandi was upset the paparazzi said someone said she was a bully and her children overheard... imagine how she'd feel if she knew was Leeann Rimes tells them. Also, Brandi Glanville, if you really think you don't talk behind people's backs (you don't "roll that way") roll on back to the LAST EPISODE when you said Lisa faked her fainting then, to her face, said other girls were speaking badly about her. I can't wait for the reunion. Actually, I think if we just skipped the whole season and went straight to the reunion, we would all know whats going on, because nothing new ever happens. Please apply my last paragraph to any episode, ever.

Oh, Joyce wants to fight with Lisa. Lisa is so RUDE because she didn't want Joyce to run her fingers through her hair. Joyce claims Brandi and Yolanda (who isn't there) also think she was very snappy and should apologize. Brandi will not ever ever ever converse with Joyce again. Thank God, no one cares about hair-gate. Joyce, I wanted to like you because you're pretty and your voice doesn't annoy me... but your personality grates on my soul. Joyce might be the most basic bitch of them all. Hmm. I guess you can't judge a book by it's cover.